by Jojishi » Wed Mar 18, 2015 7:04 am
You've opened up a can of worms. I almost got kidnapped when I was 7 years old. That probably ranks somewhere around a 6.5 on the scale of the bad things that have happened in my life.
I wouldn't say there's a definite worst thing that's happened, but I'd say that the past couple of weeks have certainly been trying. I got diagnosed with something (a month ago) I'm not quite comfortable talking about yet but it's most likely shaved off 10 years of my life. Due to my bad coping mechanisms, I turned into an abusive person in real life and made some very bad choices. I didn't shower for a week (ew), my room was so much of a mess there was rotting food and I felt like killing myself every hour for that time. You do not want to wake up every morning feeling like you're trapped in some nightmare. The worst part is knowing that the nightmare never ends, that you're stuck with this reality and just have to make the best out of it.
When I was 15 my life was rough. I got severe acne, had to start wearing glasses and had just scarred myself with self-injury. I was made fun of every day as you can imagine. My dad died from a drug overdose, except he didn't really die until later on in hospital. He was a vegetable and having to say goodbye to someone for what you know is the last time is heart-wrenching. I can't even imagine what must have been going through his mind, being aware of everything, having to go through with what I went through but also knowing he was going to die...
I should get into the self harm side of things I guess. I actually started self harming when I was four. I would bite my knuckles until they bled. This progressed into hitting myself at the age of 8, then cutting at the age of 11. Unfortunately it progressed until I cut myself so badly my Mum found me with blood oozing out of my arm at 14. I had to get stitches and I still have the scars, which makes everyone look at me as though I'm psychotic. I'm going to have to get plastic surgery some day because they're quite bad. I didn't learn about self harm before I started doing it. I only found out certain people cut themselves when I was 13. I didn't do it for attention or as some teenage phase but because I hated myself and thought I needed to be punished.
This also stems back to a childhood where I would be punished for nothing. Due to this I thought any bad thing that happened was somehow my fault. I remember trying to feed the cat one day, my dad got pissed off at me, chased me around the house and then picked me up and slammed me on the ground. I'm certain there were other instances where I'd been hit but I've blocked them out for the most part.
Due to my anxiety back in 2013, I dealt with a crippling existential crisis. This went on for the better part of the year and due to my severe anxiety resurfacing it caused my grades to plummet. Last year I tried cannabis and while the first time was great, the other times I did it just induced panic attacks. I had a marijuana induced psychotic episode one day and I had to be taken to the hospital where they (surprise) did nothing. It took me months to get better, but even now my brain chemistry is slightly off.
What really depressed me lately though was the diagnosis. I eat all the healthy foods, I exercise, sleep well (for the most part) yet other people that use drugs, drink, party, or don't care about the food they eat are somehow healthier than I am. The unfairness of it all turned me into an extremely bitter person. Seeing myself change like that reinforced my perception that no one is inherently good or bad, but just make choices which can be deemed good or bad. Anyway, that whole thing has made it so that I won't be able to do certain things ever again and I have a shortened life span now. I'm not exactly in the best state of mind.
I'd do anything to have to deal with the big problems of relationship troubles, financial issues, studying/work problems or just general depression about life that everyone seems to deal with. I'd kill to be in their position. At the moment I have a life of flipping burgers for the next couple of years to look forward to, and for what? So I can live in some crummy apartment for the better part of the next decade. I don't have any relationships to look forward to or sense of security. The future looks bleak. The stuff going on with Russia/NATO at the moment is worrying me as well. In any case, we have a possible Cold War II (which has probably already started) and that's if we're lucky, then there's the whole global warming issue that keeps getting put off because the old men in power won't have to deal with this future.
I've probably rambled on too long and gone a bit off-topic there. Sorry, I'm just going through a hard time right now and this topic has brought up a lot of bad memories and a heavy load of regret for the choices I've made in life.