Lightmare

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Lightmare

Postby Jojishi » Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:52 am

Lightmare

The silhouette of trees blurred past the night sky. Their branches were claws which strangled the full moon, the only light source in the sky. Clouds of an unsettling maroon colour circled the moon. Thunder boomed above, indicative of a severe storm brewing.

I stared through my reflection on the window pane into the dark, deep forest on the other side of the road. It was pitch black. Was it empty tonight, or full of terrors one can't even comprehend?

Eyes stared back at me. I jumped back, but then felt rather foolish. The eyes were my own, reflecting back at me from the window.

I slumped back in the seat of the car and then asked, “How much longer until we get there?”

“Just five minutes,” he replied.

A cold rush of air blasted my face when he wound down the window. The gust whooshed into my ears and through my head. I shuddered.

Right as I settled into a cautious comfort, a gut wrenching sound resounded from the engine of the car.

Boom, putter, putter...

The car slowed down. Gravel and dirt crunched under the wheels of the car as the driver veered off of the road. Then when the car stopped, complete silence.

The silence was interrupted.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered as he flung open the door of the car.

He walked over to the front of the car. He then slid his hands under the warm metal of the bonnet. The condensation let his fingers glide over the metal with ease. So slippery and easy. He began to lift the bonnet of the car, focusing all of his strength into the warm metal. The metal which was unforgiving and sharp around the edges. Unforgiving and sharp.

Nothing. There wasn't anything I could see through the front wind-shield when the bonnet was propped up. It blocked everything. Everything.

Rasping, tinkering, clanging...

“Do you think you could give me a hand?” he called out.

I stepped out of the car and made my way to the front. I couldn't see anything except for the car and the driver's silhouette outlined by the moonlight. Darkness was swallowing everything.

When I was looking into the hood of the car, his torchlight darted back and forth over the machine's organs. Shadows danced inside.

He handed me the torch as he muttered something under his breath. He pulled out a wrench and got to work on the car. I shone the light where he told me to.

My feet were getting sore standing there in the same spot. I put my hand on my hip as I shifted my weight uncomfortably.

Thunder crackled in the sky. I hoped we wouldn't be out here too much longer. The brief time we were out there in the dark stretched on for hours.

“Finished, I think...” he sighed.

I clicked off the torch.

Pitch black enveloped myself, the driver and the car. Any moonlight that was cast had been completely blocked by the storm clouds.

I fumbled around the side of the car with my hand, searching desperately for the door handle. I didn't want to be out in the dark any longer. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck prick up as I slid my hand over the metal of the car, which was cool and somewhat sticky. Then I felt the handle. I opened the door and stepped inside. As I sunk into the seat I let out a long sigh.

I heard the driver open up the door on his side and then shut it as he sat down.

I was thankful that was over. Now we could finally get to the motel.

I glanced over to my left at the window. I was met with a void of anything. Just total darkness. Not even my reflection stared back at me.

Then lightning flashed and I saw the forest light up. My reflection appeared for a fraction of a second. I had a worried look in my eye, and my hair seemed unusually dark.

The crash of thunder boomed above and shook the car.

Had the driver wound down his window? I thought I felt a cold breeze on the back of my head. The strands of my hair rustled.

I went to check the window on the driver's side, but as I moved my head I noticed that the bonnet was still propped up. I froze. He definitely shut it when he finished work on the car. We were just about to head off to the motel, so it made no sense that it was up again.

But it also made no sense whatsoever that the car still had to be started.

Maybe he went back outside to do extra work on it. Perhaps when he opened the door to step out, I didn't hear it over the rolling thunder. That had to be it, but I still couldn't help but feel like something wasn't right. My skin crawled and my heart rate started to speed up. Chills ran through my entire body.

“Hey... Er, do you think we should get going now? The weather's starting to look bad and I don't want to be here all night,” I laughed nervously.

“Sure thing,” he replied, “Just let me finish working on the car.”

I waited. A minute later the door on the driver's side slammed shut.

“Ok, let's get going,” I said.

It was so dark now I couldn't see the bonnet or any of the inside interior of the car. I wanted to get away from this creepy place.

“Just give me a bit longer,” he shouted outside over the crashing sounds of thunder.

Such an incredibly strong wave of chills washed over me that I could have sworn I was electrocuted. The skin on my body tingled all over.

I felt more wind blow over my face. The tingling sensation reached my eyes. I could feel tears well up. I was shook to my core.

Something was in the car. There had to be. I could hear a rasping breath by my side. There was only one thing I could do. I had to. I reached up to the ceiling of the car and flicked the light on.

I really, really, wish I didn't.
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Re: Lightmare

Postby Daniël » Sat Dec 20, 2014 10:23 am

Hey man, I'm glad you're writing, this section has been dead and it's cool to see more additions with a pen.

The story was pretty good, but I felt like the building of tension seemed slightly forced, which made the story not very immersing for me, personally. This would definitely be a rather bad feat for a horror-esque story.

Besides that there are two smaller suggestions:

Line 1 & 2 wrote:Their branches were claws which strangled the full moon, the only light source in the sky. Clouds of an unsettling maroon colour circled it.

About 2/3 in wrote:I glanced over to my left at the window. I was met with a void of nothing. Just total darkness. Not even my reflection stared back at me.


Keep it up man.
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Re: Lightmare

Postby Alca » Sat Dec 20, 2014 11:37 am

I agree with Daniel on the suggestions. Although I would add that you should get rid of this:

Thunder boomed above, indicative of a severe storm brewing.


It's pretty redundant. The reader can guess that a storm is brewing from the description. No need to point out the obvious.

The rest is pretty good. I can make a few personal suggestions, but nothing major.

...I had a worried look in my eye, and my hair seemed unusually dark.


I don't really like this line much. There's a saying when it comes to writing that it's always better to show than to tell. This description isn't interesting at all. It can get dull when you have to tell us the emotions of your characters instead of actually showing us.

I might change it to something like:

My eyes had widened, and my hair seemed unusually dark.


I don't know, just saying that he had a "worried look" in his eye doesn't tell us anything. What exactly is a worried look? It makes the description a lot more interesting when you show us. Just something to keep in mind anyway.

Good work though. Keep it up.
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Re: Lightmare

Postby Lord » Sat Dec 20, 2014 1:50 pm

Nice story, all kind of speculation as to what happened.
Spoiler:
So, when the two of them supposedly got back into the car, it wasn't the other man that got into the car, was it?
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Re: Lightmare

Postby Jojishi » Sat Dec 20, 2014 8:58 pm

Thanks a lot for the advice everyone. I didn't even think I'd get this many comments to be honest.

I can see why the tension might feel forced. I probably had way too much building up and in places where it didn't feel right. Thanks for pointing that out Daniël. Also, thanks a lot for fixing up those lines. I knew they didn't sound quite right. It's a lot better now. Seems much less awkward. :)

Okay Alca I'll work on that. Those lines actually seem really redundant now that you pointed it out. I'll keep an eye on just showing things in the future. That's actually always been a problem of mine ever since I started writing, but I think I'm getting somewhat better in that department. I slip up a lot on it still though.

LordPivot wrote:So, when the two of them supposedly got back into the car, it wasn't the other man that got into the car, was it?


Yeah, it was something else. The other man was still outside.

I'll try and go over the story again when I get the chance and fix up some things. Thanks for all the comments.
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Re: Lightmare

Postby Chris » Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:46 pm

I love this Jojishi. Although it seems you could have added a little more detail building the tension towards the part where the thing is in the car instead of the other person.
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