TheDarkDemon

Alca stared at the screen in front of him his curly fingers bent slowly as they hammered away on the keyboard in a slow but determined fashion.
“Call this poetry will you?” he breathed out to himself with his raspy voice echoing out of his throat.
“If you think that you can get away with defiling Yui-chans literature section then you’re dead wrong!”

His crusty lips formed a slight smile as he slowly licked his lips while thinking back to his days in university and poetry studies. Where he had learned everything about poetry from Fyodor Dostoyevsky to Maya Angelou.

“This will teach those no good trolls not to bring their FILTH into MY and YUI-CHANS litterature section!” he announced to himself in glee while he repeatedly hit the f5 button to refresh the page in anticipation of the fools reply.

end of chapter one.

I tried to write better this time! please dont lock it this time!

Chapter two will come soon!

hate only begets more hate. i have disappointment. this is however written better good your improving

interesting characterization in this

well done friend

This seems awfully passive aggressive, and I'll be honest with you. The papa doesn't approve. All jokes aside, this isn't even a good story. The ingredients are terrible, and I should know. You need to work on it. Maybe chapter 2 will be better.

I'm rather honored that you took the time to write a story about me. I would suggest that you spend your time more wisely; but I'll admit this was somewhat amusing.

I hope there's a Chester Bennington account soon.

im dying

kill me ive seen all i wish to see

someone sounds butthurt

Write more, please.

A bit of feedback, if I may.

Punctuation could be better in the beginning. You forgot a comma. It should be along the lines of "Alca stared at the screen in front of him, his curly fingers bent slowly as they hammered away on the keyboard in a slow but determined fashion."

"“Call this poetry will you?” he breathed out to himself with his raspy voice echoing out of his throat."

You can't really breathe out words. That doesn't quite make sense. I'd suggest whispered, or grunted perhaps.

"His crusty lips formed a slight smile as he slowly licked his lips while thinking back to his days in university and poetry studies. "

The repetition of 'lips' is redundant. You only need to mention them once. E.g. "His crusty lips formed a slight smile as he slowly licked them while thinking back to his days in university and poetry studies. "

"... He announced to himself in glee while he repeatedly hit the f5 button to refresh the page in anticipation of the fools reply."

Fool's should have an apostrophe, e.g. "... He announced to himself in glee while he repeatedly hit the f5 button to refresh the page in anticipation of the fool's reply."

Not bad though. You're improving.