Transcribed from here. NOT my work.
A double agent who goes by two aliases has been assigned by each country to kill his alias on the opposite side.
"I love you."
I kissed my wife on the top of her head, right on top of that little curl that always stuck out. I remember on our wedding day, the panic she'd went into over it. It took three bridesmaids and two shots of whiskey before she accepted she looked good. I loved that curl though, always did. She didn't stir, her breathing soft as the rain outside. It was beautiful, the perfect acoustic farewell. These were the sounds I wanted to remember.
I stepped out of the bedroom and made my way to the girls' room. They were sound asleep, two angels rested on almost too messy clouds. I would scold them in the morning if I could. For now though, let them sleep, tomorrow will be long, confusing. I hope they know how much I love them. That everything I did changed the day they were born. Can you imagine having twins? Lucy said it would never happen. It was like a cosmic little nudge to me, a divine elbow slapping me in the side and saying, "Two of you, two of them, eh?"
It was all different after that. The work changed. I did it for them, not for the love of it.
I crept down the stairs with as little noise as I could. Third stair creaks in the middle, fifth on the edges. Bottom step creaks if you step off it too fast. My feet had it memorised by now. James looked up at me from the front door, my faithful James. I could see in his eyes that he knew. Dogs always know, don't they? I had rescued James as a pup, middle of Baghdad, bullet in two heads, gunshots in the distance, and there was this little stain of a dog, pissing in the corner. I couldn't rightly leave him there, could I? As soon as I reached the evac he was as happy as I'd ever seen an animal be. He grew big in time too, twelve years now, not bad for a Rottweiler. He loved the girls as much as I did, I knew I was leaving them in good hands.
I reached out to pet him and he nuzzled my fingers, "Goodbye boy. Look after them for me." I could swear he looked like he was about to cry. That's my James, more human than me. The front door slipped open without a sound and closed behind me with a soft click. It was the empty chamber in a game of Russian Roulette, the first thing that made me realise how much I was leaving behind. If they knew, they'd understand.
I walked to the end of the drive, took my bike. If I started the car I risked waking them up. What did it matter if I got a little wet, if my muscles got a little tired; I was retiring. I peddled into the three A.M rain and embraced the harsh bite of each drop on my face. I thought of the morning, of Lucy waking up to the note I'd left on the nightstand. I knew it by heart now, it had taken me three months to get it just right.
"Lucy," it began.
"I love you, first and foremost, I love you with every fibre in me that knows how to love. You and the girls are the greatest thing life could ever have given me, but there are some things you don't know. I'm not an executive anything, my job is a lot more complicated than that. I work for the Government. Two governments to be exact. For the last twenty-five years I've worked as an agent in the field. My business trips were actually missions. Please, please understand why I didn't tell you.
When I was fresh out of college I got a little government work, that led to another job and before I knew it I was asked to work abroad. They defined the idea of "Go big or go home" out there though. I took to it like an iron duck taking to boiling water. I found my niche in the world. Then, a year into that, the other side approached me. They wanted me to be an agent, and I said yes. To the Americans I was Saint, to the Europeans I was Breaker. For twenty years I played both sides, swapped intel back and forth, carried out missions for both, and neither side ever knew. I guess when they said I was the best they had they weren't kidding.
When I was a younger man I did it for the love of the game, for the thrill. Then I met you. I'll never forget that day, Lucy. You wore a blue sundress, you giggled when I dropped my hat. When I saw your smile I knew, I just knew. You were the one for me. I want you to know, I need you to know, you made me happier than I ever thought I could be, every single day. With all the soul I have, Lucy, I love you.
I love Erin and Amy too. God, you don't know how much my life changed when they were born. Of course, you couldn't know. I stopped taking the really dangerous missions, I stopped enjoying what I did. My life had always been about the thrill of my work and the passion I held for you. I made the world a better place for us, then the girls came along and made it a better place than I ever could have. They built me from the ground up. The girls, the house, you. Turned out that's all I ever wanted.
I don't know what to tell the girls, that's your decision, but I can't lie Lucy, not to you. I'm not coming home. Three months ago I received an order. The heads of both Breaker and Saint were being demanded. The other note contains details of three offshore accounts and how to access them, the girls are set up for life and then some. I realise no amount of money can make what I'm about to do right but I do this for you.
I love you, I love you, I love you, all I have is in those words.
Goodbye, Lucy."
I reached the lake just before Dawn. The sun was tipping its head above the horizon, the water casting the first weak speckles of day towards me. There was no going back now. I took out two cellphones, dialled a number on both, and waited for each line to open.
"It's done."
click
